


Beauty is Pain

by PicassoWithAPencil



Category: The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Mentions of Rape, Not sure if anyone will actually read this haha, Original Characters from my Silmarillion AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-04
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2019-05-18 05:26:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14846657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PicassoWithAPencil/pseuds/PicassoWithAPencil
Summary: Estelneth is slightly frustrated at the fact that Theninwaedh, her not quite lover, refuses to even kiss her or admit in private that they are a couple. It comes to a head in an argument, but it turns out there is more to Theninwaedh's tale than meets the eye.





	Beauty is Pain

**Author's Note:**

> So I have no idea if anyone is remotely interested in this little one shot that's part of my collaborative AU, but this was one of my favorite things that I've written so far and I haven't posted anything since last year haha. So I hope that someone will enjoy this and or give some appreciated kudos or comments haha. By the way, Theninwaedh is on the low end of the autism spectrum which explains her sensitivity to noise at some point in the story. So there's the warning for that.

Estelneth paced the floor, unsure of what was going on in the moment before her. She was just relieved that Idhren was out getting Friday night take-out at Panera. She didn't want him to see this. Estelneth had never, ever, fought with Theninwaedh this badly before. In fact, they'd never fought at all since coming to know each other. And it was more than just coming to know each other as friends.

__Theninwaedh allowed Estelneth to hold her hand, to cuddle, to give her forehead kisses. Yet Theninwaedh still labeled their relationship as one of mere friendship, and Estelneth couldn't get near enough to kiss her fully on the lips before she moved away, scared and trembling. Estelneth accepted for what it was in the beginning, but as they grew closer, she grew more and more impatient and irritated. She was tired of the shoving and the denial. And that's exactly what happened just a few moments ago.

“Theninwaedh, I don't understand where any of this is coming from! You...you refuse to talk about it, you never tell me what's going on, you never let me know anything! And this is ridiculous! Are we not supposed to share important things with each other?” Estelneth swallowed painfully, tears stinging her eyes. “Do...do you not trust me?”

Estelneth could see the panic in Theninwaedh's wide, silver gaze and she felt her heart ache at the sight, wanting nothing more than to pull Theninwaedh into her arms so that she might protect her. But something deep in the recesses of Estelneth’s heart drove her anger to the surface, the anger that resided with the insecurity about never being good enough for the people that mattered to her. This time she was determined not to let that happen again, determined not to let herself be pushed aside once more.

Estelneth stood up from the couch were they had been cuddling mere moments before, taking steps closer and closer to Theninwaedh, the emotions coursing through her veins not allowing her to see the trembling in Theninwaedh's body.

“What is it, Theninwaedh? Am I not good enough for you? Am I just another notch on the proverbial bedpost of yours?” Estelneth knew this statement made no sense, what with Theninwaedh's aversion to touch. But Estelneth was angry and hurt, and she wasn't stopping now.

At this point Theninwaedh had her hands clamped over her ears, backing as far away from Estelneth as she could manage in the tiny apartment space. “Estelneth...Estelneth you know that's not true. It's...it's just too hard right now, it's just-” Estelneth found herself completely done with this stuttering.

She threw her hands up in the air, frustration taking the place of common sense. “Just say what you really mean Theninwaedh! It's one thing when you don't want to tell the entire world we're dating, but it's another if you don't even want to acknowledge it in private! How do you expect to ever be in a stable relationship if you won't even acknowledge it for what it is? How can you when you won't even let me kiss you?”

Theninwaedh opened her mouth to speak but Estelneth bull-dozed her way forward. “If you really care about me like you say you do you would stop lying to yourself and you would admit it that we are a couple! If you cared then you would just tell me the truth and-”

Theninwaedh shot up off of the couch like a bolt of lightning, fresh tears streaming down her face, and shouted, her voice hoarse with pain and misuse.

“I was raped!”

Time seemed to slow down, leaving Estelneth opened mouthed in shock and horror. She slumped onto the couch, staring at Theninwaedh with seemingly new eyes. Theninwaedh sat across from her as well, wringing her trembling hands together. “Theninwaedh, I-”

But Theninwaedh stopped her with a whisper. “This is my story to tell. I promise we'll...fix this later.” Estelneth simply nodded, staring fixedly at Theninwaedh's eyes, eyes that seemed to be clouded over in distant memory.

“It...it was two years ago. I was twenty at the time, fresh out of college and excited about what the world had to offer me.” She chuckled bitterly. “Perhaps I was too eager. I went out with some friends one night, Therien being one of them, and we met this group of guys at the bar we were at. One of them, he...he introduced himself specifically to me. Said...said that he thought I was beautiful. Not hot. But beautiful.”

Estelneth felt silent sobs wracking her body. She would have felt the same way, being specialized, not degraded. But Estelneth soon figured out that Theninwaedh's mentality ran deeper than that, with more insecurity behind it then she could have ever imagined.

“My...my parents always ignored me. They raised me well enough to make sure I wouldn't make any ‘bad’ choices, and then...then they just left me. Of course they didn't physically leave, but they lived as though I had never existed. They gave all of their love to my brothers and...and none of it to me.” Theninwaedh let loose a small whimper, and Estelneth’s hands itched to hold her.

“So when this man, this stranger, looked at me that way...I thought someone was seeing me for the very first time. I thought someone was actually interested in loving me, something I'd never had before.

“So after we’d gone on a few dates and he asked me to pursue a relationship with him, I said yes immediately. I...I could never have imagined what he would do to me.” Theninwaedh took a shaky breath and Estelneth inched her fingers across the coffee table, relieved when Theninwaedh sought them out like a lifeline.

“He started getting possessive. He...he would never let me leave without him, and I...I didn't see Therien for nearly a year. He never hurt me. Not to the point where it would be obvious I was being abused. But he...he forced me to have intercourse with him every night.

“He always told me that if I didn't, he would make sure I never saw...never saw the light of day again. And he...he promised he would hurt Therien, beyond the point of no return. And I believed him. I believed every word, because he knew Therien and I knew he could get to her.

“So every night, for nearly a year, I was treated as if I were a warm body. Someone to use. Someone to take advantage of. Someone to parade around, as if I were some show dog. It was my childhood all over again. Only...only this was ten times worse.”

Theninwaedh clenched her fingers around Estelneth’s and Estelneth provided that anchor. Theninwaedh's voice wavered, her tears slurring her words together. “Therien found me eventually and he...was arrested. But the damage had been done. And now I...I carry it around with me everywhere I go. I haven't dated a single person since him because I just feel so trapped.

“I feel like the other person will never let me leave if I wanted to.” Theninwaedh was sobbing in earnest now, Estelneth crying as well. “I know you would never do that to me. And I want to be with you so badly it hurts. And I'm so so sorry. But...but I'm so afraid. I'm so so afraid and I don't...I don't know how to function in peace, without always looking over my shoulder. I don't know how. I want to learn, but some days I don't think I can.”

Estelneth took this moment to speak. “Never...never apologize to me for what you went through. I feel so ashamed in myself. And it's okay, I promise. We'll get through it, together, and I'll help you I always will. Because that's what you do for the people you love.”

And Theninwaedh launched herself at Estelneth, Estelneth gladly accepting her embrace. Estelneth felt peace, and she knew that everything would be okay.

 


End file.
